I always wanted to be...too many things. Although I don't like to say it, I've always tried to be too many things for too many people. I exhausted so many hours of my time doing things to please others or help out my friends. Even when I knew I had no time, I agreed to tutor my friend in science. On top of all my school related extracurricular activities (editor of school newspaper, member of the child labor education group, V.P. of Girlsolution, and a chorus member/dancer in my school's musical), I also danced everyday, both in and out of school. Even my weekends were swallowed up by either teaching other students their parts in the Nutcracker, or rehearsing for one of several dance performances I was in. I took piano lessons in the fall as well. Don't get the wrong idea, I loved everything I was doing (dance even provided me with an outlet for extra energy and intense emotions), but I spread myself too thin.
The spring of my junior year in high school, I lost control. I was taking Calculus II at a local college, Advanced Latin, Dance Program (which was physically very demanding), and English 3 honors. It was a tough schedule, on top of which I loaded my confirmation into my church, organizing and fundraising single-handedly to bring Dr. Jean Kilbourne to my high school, taking the AP Calculus exam, and a half-dozen parts in my dance school's Spring Show. I was so short on time, (I'd joke about needing another 6 hours in the day), that I started unconsciously neglecting my health. Without realizing it I started losing weight. Eventually I had to buy new clothes, and I was ecstatic because I could finally fit into the boot cut jeans and other clothes my friends were wearing. With my new clothes I began to feel more confident, and some of my friends made comments about how healthy and confident I was. I guess I associated my rise of confidence with my weight loss, so I thought I'd take advantage of this "opportunity", and I began to purposely limit my food intake. I also began counting calories to make sure I didn't eat too much (this has been one of the hardest habits to break on my path to recovery). There were several times during the spring when I raised concern about possibly having gone too far with my weight-loss, but no one else seemed worried. People told me it was just my hormones changing, or that I'd started eating healthy, or various other excuses for my dangerous eating habits. Pretty soon I began to believe them myself.
As the Spring Show approached, my mother began to be concerned about how much weight I had lost because I wasn't fitting properly into my costumes anymore, but I told her all the reasons I had accepted as to why I had lost so much weight. When she questioned me about why I wasn't eating I'd say, "I ate lunch late!" or "I don't feel well!" or "I can't eat before a performance or else I get sick!" or one of a multitude of others I had stashed in my mind. Using these excuses I was free to control (or so I thought) my food intake for a while longer. I barely ate anything, and I was rehearsing outside of school for four or more hours everyday. I have no idea how I survived. Now it is clear that I was running on pure adrenaline.
One afternoon, my mother confronted me about my clothes no longer fitting at all, and she said I could either go to the doctor or see a nutritionist. At first I was furious at my mother for suggesting that I had an eating disorder (I had become so moody from not eating that I had been lashing out verbally at my friends, siblings, but particularly my parents without restrain, because I had no idea how to contain them), that I stormed off to my room and threatened not to perform in the dance performance. Eventually, my mood subsided, and I agreed to see a nutritionist, (she actually turned out the be a counselor/therapist rather than a nutritionist, but this was only to my benefit). This woman has been unbelievably helpful, and essential, to my recovery. My first session with her was incredibly emotional. I was so embarrassed about what I had become because I had always been a strong advocate for accepting ones self and being pleased with ones body type, and had done so much research about the effects of advertising and the media on self-image, that I felt hypocritical having developed an eating disorder. But Sandy, my therapist, helped me to be more open about my problem. I hadn't told my friends about either my being anorexic or my getting therapy, and they still don't know because we all have gone separate ways for the summer. Lucky for me, however, I came to Smith's Summer Science and Engineering Program to study women's health (what irony!) and was blessed with a group of girls, who I felt so comfortable with, that I shared my 'secret' with them. And they have more than filled the support gap where my friends would have been had I told them. Many of the girls in my class had personal issues they were conquering/had conquered themselves, and they opened their arms, ears, and hearts to me. They were willing to just listen as I reconstructed my experience. The more I shared, the more my mind was cleansed and the more determined I became to recover and become healthy.
I am still at Smith as I write this, feeding off of the support of my classmates and other friends at camp. Recovery has been much harder than I expected. Just like I didn't lose weight overnight, I can't gain back the weight (which is only one piece of recovering) overnight. I also have to figure out a maintenance plan when I reach a healthy weight where I will start menstruating again. The loss of my period has serious side effects, especially the loss of bone density, which puts me at a higher risk for getting osteoporosis when I am older. In addition to loss of my period I am also suffering from constipation, bloating, trouble sleeping, and frequent dizziness (all have subsided some since I began eating more). In addition to recovering physically, I also must figure out what the underlying reasons were that caused me to become anorexic. (Wow! Each time I use that word it is painful. But it is becoming easier and easier the more I say it. It is just so hard to say it because I feel like it shows that I am a weak individual who gave into the pressure. But I know that isn't true.)
My experience with anorexia has been much more difficult than I ever imagined. It is like what the teen mothers I spoke with the other morning said about their experience. It is beyond anything you can imagine, and you'll never be able to comprehend how tough it is until you go through it yourself. I don't know how I would be doing now if my parents hadn't been as concerned and caring about my emotions. (My therapy has been more emotionally draining than anything else). I truly love them and am grateful to them more than words can say. And I know they feel the same about me.
While my original goal of being fully recovered by the time I begin my senior year of high school is a bit far-fetched at this point in time, I am ecstatic because I gained four ounces (my first weight gain of my recovery), which means I am on my way to a full recovery. I have also begun working to stop counting calories. (Yeah! Personal triumph!) I would advise anyone who is looking for help recovering from an eating issue/disorder to seek counseling. Also try and find a medical doctor who you feel comfortable with to monitor your progress, and a nutritionist you can work with to create a healthy eating plan. All of these people have a vital role in recovery.
I can't think of a better way to conclude my story than a shout-out to any and all individuals who have provided support for victims of eating issues/disorders and other psychological conditions. YOU are the key to a successful and full recovery. Personally, I would like to thank my mom and dad, Sandy, all the girls in Our Health, Our Futures, my sister (who probably had the roughest time), all my friends (who I haven't told, and may have learned about it from this story, but who have always been there for me), and all the other individuals who expressed concern about my weight-loss.
THANK YOU!
Blanche Greene-Cramer