By Girls, For Girls - A Project by and for Teen Girls

photograph of Vicky

Dear teenager,

Hi! My names is Judy, and I am a recovered bulimic. I am writing this letter to you in hopes of assisting you in your decision.

To me.. it all started when I was in the 7th grade. Puberty hit me very hard, and I had gained about 35 pounds making a total of 125 pounds and my height was 4'9". Before the seventh grade, I was underweight, and nobody suspected that I was capable of gaining so much weight in such a short period of time.

As a seventh grader, and being young, I did not really notice my physical appearance. However, when I started freshman year in high school, my view toward my self-image changed. I became self-conscious about my body; every time I flipped through magazines, watched television, or even movies forced me to compare myself to the fake models presented by the media.

As high school progressed, I became more involved in school activities and the classes I was taking. A typical school day started out at 7:00 AM with a club meeting in which I was an officer, then the school itself where I was overwhelmed with various honors and Advanced Placement classes, started at 7:30 AM. After school was out, I was committed to more club meetings, volunteer programs, tennis practice, and even work. Tired and withered, I would finally come home and immediately start working on my homework, which included projects, AP test preparations, and even research on prospective colleges.

Unlike my friends, I had a full and rather hectic schedule on the weekdays. When the weekend rolled around and I saw my friends waiting anxiously to watch that new Friday night premier at the movies, and Saturday night parties, all I could think about was what I was missing. Every time I witnessed my fellow classmates reminiscing about their frivolous weekends and social life, I felt jealous and depressed. Because I neglected to think about my accomplishments of that week, I considered myself as an underachiever. The more time I spent alone surrounded by unhealthy images of what an ideal person should be, the more my self-consciousness increased. Even shopping, a past time I've always enjoyed, became a dreadful experience. I came to a point where I refused to wear shorts, skirts, and even sleeveless shirts. I was very self-conscious about showing my skin. I was not going to accept myself until I looked like the Victoria Secret models (note that these models are 23% skinnier than the average women). I did not think this was unrealistic. I was not going to be satisfied until I reached this new goal.

As time went by, pressure and stress built up. As a junior in high school my life had become extremely demanding, both in school and out. I felt as if I had no control over my life. Emotionally and physically strained, I believed that my happiness in life was determined by my physical look.

I planned to lose 20 pounds in order to reach what I thought would be an acceptable body image, 5'1", weighing 100 pounds. So, one day after dinner, I unconsciously ended up in the bathroom, in front of the toilet forcing myself to throw up. I felt good after my first session and planned to throw up for two months. However, the two months went by so quickly, and I could not stop. 3, 4, 5, 6 months passed, and I still could not stop; I had totally lost self-control… I was upset about myself. Moreover, as time went by, and I kept throwing up regularly, bulimia no longer was about losing weight but it was an emotional outlet to my life. Bulimia became an addictive behavior.

One day I came across an article in a magazine and talked about a bulimic and her successful recovery. She was a beautiful women who had even won a title in a beauty pageant; however the pressure she got from her demanding work led her to the bulimic life. She was a very bad case; the acid resulting from throwing up had made a hole in her throat and she was hospitalized. This scared me.. and I longed to get free from this insanity, which was eventually going to lead me to my own death.

I was already experiencing most of the common symptoms of a bulimic. I was no longer having regular menstruation, I had constipation or diarrhea, sore throat, headaches, insomnia, hair loss, constant fatigue (caused by damage to the liver), tooth decay (dentists can tell), dehydration, mood swings, weight fluctuation, severe self-criticism, and even stomach pain, and bloating. I knew I was walking the path to my slow and painful death. The thought of dying scared me.. I was just too young.

Scarred both physically and emotionally, I decided to tell my best friend, Lucy. She was very positively supportive with my sensitive case. I know she tried very hard using different angles to help me with recover and snap out of from this horrible, addictive behavior. Finally, she decided to threaten me by telling me that if I did not stop she was going to tell my parents. I did not want my parents to know about this, first of all, I did not want them to hurt them, and I knew my parents were going to flip out. Therefore, I slowly let Lucy help me out and finally after 3 months of help, I was free from this madness. By the final phase of my recovery, I told my parents who were ever more supportive in completing the levels of recovery.

So, I want to tell you all that bulimia was definitely not an answer to my desire of becoming skinny. First of all, I did not reach my goal of losing weight. Plus, I severely scarred myself both physically as well as mentally. In addition to all this, if you are bulimic and you are willing to snap out of this lunacy, I can only give you one advice. Make sure you get help as soon as possible; it doesn't have to be professional, or someone older than you. In addition to all this, you can always contact your nearest health center, and remember, everything is confidential.

LOVE YOURSELF..

Because I do too..

Love,
Judy