BG4G - Emotional & Relationship Abuse

abuse: noun

to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way.
to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about.
to commit sexual assault upon

There are many different forms of abuse against women, all which are used to control, manipulate, and oppress women. Two of the most common forms are physical and emotional abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Many people believe that emotional abuse is not as serious or harmful as physical abuse. In general, women state this not to be true, and often have trouble getting others to take emotional abuse seriously.¹ In turn they continue to be abused and, like physical abuse, are controlled, demeaned, punished, or harmed. Anyone could be the perpetrator of this abuse, but the most painful source of which would usually come from someone who the woman is very emotionally close to. In heterosexual relationships, this abuse comes mainly from the woman’s male partner.²It is used, similarly to physical abuse, to promote the woman’s fear of her male partner and, as a result, cause her to change her behavior in order to be safe from harm.

The cycle of emotional abuse, originally created by Dr. Lenore Walker, is summed up in four phases, resulting in a sort of brainwashing, or mind control.³

In general, emotional abusers have similar characteristics of their own. Watch out for the following:

They were verbally abused as a child or have witnessed it in their own family.
They possess an explosive temper, triggered by petty minor frustrations and arguments.
They are extremely possessive and jealous or experience an intense desire to control their mates.
As male abusers, most often he feels that their masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
They have low self-esteem.
They have strict or rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. They expect the woman to behave according to their expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way their parents’ marriage was, or it’s opposite.
They have somewhat bi-polar personality traits, such as being charming one moment and ruthless the next.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you think you may be a victim of emotional abuse:

Does your partner constantly put you down or disregard your opinions?
Do you feel taken advantage, used, or like an object?
Do you feel pressured by your partner?
Are you afraid to discuss certain subjects with your partner?
Does your partner limit your access to money, work, or social activities?
Does your partner stop you from seeing friends or family?
Do you feel trapped?
Do you feel helpless in the relationship?
Does your partner make you feel like a child?
Are you afraid of your partner?

Physical Abuse

FACT: About 1400 women, 30% of all murdered women, are killed by husbands, ex-husbands, and boyfriends each year (Koss, et al, 1994).

FACT: Two million women are beaten each year (Koss, et al, 1994).

FACT: Beatings are the most common cause of injury to 15 to 44 year old women.

FACT: The latest research (O’Leary, 1995) shows that 11% to 12% of all women were physically abused during the last year.⁴

Physical abuse against women is obviously a growing epidemic all around the world and is very damaging most physically and emotionally. Some women believe they are responsible for the abuser’s, mostly male, mental turmoil and / or are afraid he will kill himself or them. She may think she deserves the abuse. Many also believe he will beat them more or kill them if they report his assaults. Many abused women are isolated and feel unable to find love again. Some women assume abuse is their lot as a woman, as if this is an expected part of life. A few women even believe a real macho “man” just naturally does violent things. All of these feelings and behaviors are results of the damaging abuse that some women must live with.

What is the definition of domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is “when one person in the relationship tries to control the other person.”⁵

The key elements of domestic abuse include:

Intimidation
Humiliation
Physical injury

Physical abuse includes:

Pushing, throwing, tripping.
Slapping, hitting, punching, kicking.
Grabbing, choking, shaking.
Pinching, biting.
Holding, restraining, confinement.
Assault with a weapon.
Burning or freezing.
Throwing things.

Signs of Physical Abuse include:

Bruises and other signs of impact on the skin, with the excuse of “accidents.”
Depression, crying.
Frequent and sudden absences.
Frequent lateness.
Frequent, harassing phone calls to the person while they are at work.
Fear of the partner, references to the partner’s anger.
Decreased productivity and attentiveness.
Isolation from friends and family.
Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car).

The following is a list of possible ways to stop this horrible physical violence forced upon women.

End abusive relationship.
Notify authorities and find a safe place to stay.
Tell friends and family whom you trust.
Call a 24-Hour HELP LINE at: 1.800.572.2782

-or-

National Domestic Violence Hotlines at: 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)

As an ending note, reflecting on both the atrocities of Emotional and Physical Abuse,
I would like to share a poem I found that was adapted from
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Your Rights In a Relationship

You have the right to have your work
and interests discussed with respect.

You have the right to have your own viewpoint
even if your mate has another viewpoint.

You have the right to be respectfully asked
to do something and not to be ordered to do it.

You have the right to live free from fear of your partner.
This includes fear of threats, angry outbursts and violence.

You have the right to live free from accusation and blame.

You have the right to live free from criticism and judgment.

You have the right to expect encouragement and emotional support.

You have the right to privacy – on the telephone,
with your thoughts, with your family and friends,
your belongings and in your own space.

References:

¹ Education Wife Assault; www.womenabuseprevention.com
² Education Wife Assault; www.womenabuseprevention.com
³ Diagram created by Nicole Herr, text taken from original diagram created by Dr. Lenore Walker.
⁴ This Is A War; www.thisiswar.com
⁵ Help Guide; www.helpguide.org