For those of you who think that abusive relationships can never happen to you, think again. Studies show that one-third of adolescents become involved in an abusive relationship during their high school or college years. If this does apply to you, listen up, you must get out! This type of relationship is dangerous and detrimental to your health and well being. If it doesn't apply, still listen. You are at risk for potential abuse since the vast majority of those abused are female, however, males are also abused as well as those in same sex relationships. If someone you know is being abused then this information will be helpful to you as well. Domestic violence can happen to anyone anywhere at any time. Don't brush any of this information off because it could one day be the ultimate factor in saving your life.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Emotional abuse - A woman who is experiencing emotional abuse will most likely endure some if not all of these characteristics. She will find herself being told that she is worthless and made to feel bad about herself. She'll be told that she's crazy and may begin to doubt herself. Women will feel possessed and experience jealousy from their partner. They will find themselves frequently questioned about where they are, where they're going, who they're going with, or what they're doing. She will find herself isolated from friends and family as well as verbally harassed often in the public eye all in the so-called "name of love" (Levy 31-34 ).

A lot of times there is a misconception that an abusive relationship is all physical. In actuality, an abusive relationship is emotional as well. One person is actually afraid of or intimidated by the other person. A common feeling among those abused is that they are constantly "walking on eggshells" trying not to incite rage in their partner. Those who are abused are made to feel that their family and friends are the "enemy." They feel that discussing problems with family makes them disloyal to their partner. It's kind of like they are being brainwashed. They feel dependent on their partner and hold the belief that "no one else will want me" (Levy 31- 34).

Physical Abuse - This is the aspect of an abusive relationship that most people are more familiar with and can recognize easily because it leaves marks and bruises. Victims of physical abuse are constantly pushed, hit, slapped, kicked, beat with a fist, choked with an object or weapon, restricted, and scared (Levy 34). Physical abuse as well as emotional abuse is all about power and control. The man or woman wants to feel like they own and have complete control over your mind and body. Victims of physical abuse are afraid to rebel against their partner and in a word become the abuser's "property." Chances are if he or she hits you once, it's going to happen again (Levy 35). A lot of times when someone is physically abused the abuser will apologize and make false promises not to do it again. He or she will shower the victim with presents; this show of affection and remorse is false and must not be taken seriously.

Sexual Abuse - This is another aspect of abusive relationships that has a negative effect on the victim's body as well as their mind and self-esteem. If a victim is being coerced or afraid to say no to sex they are being abused
(Levy 35). Sexual abuse is another way for the abuser to control their partner. The victim is afraid to say no and is being manipulated into sexual intercourse (Levy 35). In a word, they are being raped.

Some common signs of sexual abuse are:

• Being called sexual names
  
  
• Wanting sex after hitting
  
  
• Always wanting sex and mad when you don't
  
  
• Forced sex
  
  
• Forcing you to commit "disgusting" sex acts
  
  
• Biting or pinching your breast
  
  
• Acting indifferent
  
  
• Rape
  
  
• Forcing you to have sex without proper protection
  
  
• Threatening to get a new woman
  
  

Addictive Love - this type of love is dangerous and often leads to abusive relationships. In addictive love, one person feels that they can not live without the other (Levy 60).

Here are some common warning signs:

• Believing you can't live without the other
  
  
• Having fewer happy times with each other, with more time spent on apologies, promises, anger, guilt, and fear
  
  
• You feel worse about yourself
  
  
• Having less self-control
  
  
• Not making your own decisions but instead letting the decisions of your partner influences your actions
  
  
• Enjoying time apart less, buying time until you are both together again
  
  
• Saying things like "I won't call him" or "I won't make her tell me everything she did since I saw her or him"
  
  
• Feeling like you can't get enough of your partner
  
  
• Struggling to have more control

So, we've covered the important aspects of an abusive relationship as well as the type of love you want to stay away from. Now let's discuss some
"red flag" signals that you can immediately recognize:

• Extreme Jealousy
  
  
• Controlling Behavior
  
  
• Verbal Abuse
  
  
• Explosive Anger
  
  
• Family and friends warn you about the other person
  
  
• Abuses alcohol and drugs
  
  
• Blames you for his/her actions and emotional state
  
  
• Goes into rages
  
  
• Has affairs
  
  
• Humiliates you in front of others
  
  
• Grew up witnessing abuse at home

Unfortunately in teen relationships "red flags" often go unrecognized and are thought to only be "signs of love." If your partners' behavior matches or is in any way similar to these "red flags," a light must go off in your head. You can not accept this behavior, not from your partner, not from anyone. Often times in abusive relationships the victim tends to be blind to these obvious signs because they are still focusing on the loving, attentive person their partner once was and hoping that things will change. However, the partner usually does not transform overnight back into the sweet, caring human being they were when the two first met. At this point the victim must break away and unfortunately an alarming 75% of women are killed by their abusive partners after they leave. The abuse will increase when the victim decides not to take the abuse anymore. So that you don't run into a dangerous situation when trying to break away from your abusive partner, take heed to these tips on how to deal with the violence.

Things you can do to be safe:

• Take it seriously: let your partner know you won't allow it anymore
  
  
• Plan for your safety: this is very important!! Plan on what your going to do when they get violent and what to do when you want to get away. Think of ways not to be alone, have a safe place to stay and be sure to include family and friends (don't be alienated from them)
  
  
• Self-defense: let the abuser know loudly and clearly your decisions
  
  
• Use the legal system: tell the police and report acts of violence that have been committed to you when they occur because assaults, beatings, sexual coercion and rape are all illegal. The abuser can be charged with:
  
  
  • Criminal assault - which is subjecting you to physical contact, following you and phoning you to harass or alarm you
    
    
  • Reckless endangerment - placing you in fear of bodily harm
    or death
    
    
  • Assault - intentionally or negligently causing or attempting to cause bodily injury
    
    
  • Aggravated assault - intentionally or negligently causing or attempting to cause injury with a weapon
    
    
  • Rape or attempted rape - forced sexual intercourse (penetration of the vagina) by violence
    
    
  • Sexual assault - touching, rubbing or using objects in a sex act by violence or a threat of violence
    
    
  • Sodomy - forced penetration of the anus
    
    
  • Forced oral sex
    
    
• Use a restraining order against the abuser
  
  
• Call a domestic violence hotline - the national domestic violence hotline for the United States is 1-800-333-7233
  
  
• Tell an adult about the violence- reach out to someone you can trust like a teacher, counselor, parent
  (don't be afraid to talk to your parents because they love you)
  
  
• Tell friends for support
  
  
• Continue telling family, friends etc... what's going on, make them take you seriously - tell them what has happened, why you are scared and specific incidents
  
  
• Counselor or support group - talking to a counselor or joining a local support group can help you feel stronger and cope with what has happened. They can help you recover from the trauma and keep you from feeling isolated and alone. It's also healthy to learn from others which these options can provide. (Levy 84-88).
  
  

(If two people decide to try and work through their problem, group therapy is highly recommended.)

As you can see there are definitely many options to choose from when trying to end an abusive relationship. Just remember that you are not alone and there is help out there for you. Don't accept the abuse or, worse, pretend like it isn't happening because it is and you can do something about it. Women are powerful beings and we have the power the change our lives for the better. No one deserves to suffer abuse, no one.

References:

1. Levy, Barrie. In Love & In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships. Washington: Seal, 1997.
   
   
2. Sorensen, Kaaren. "Dating Violence: Teens in abusive relationships." Scholastic Choices (2002):v17 i6 pT6 (1). Infotrac. Smith College Gen'l Reference Ctr., Northampton. 14 July 2003 http://web5.infotrac.galegroup.com/itw/infomark
   
   
3. Abusive Relationships. 14 July 2003 Recovery-Man.com. 14 July 2003 http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm